LITTLE GIRLS
“Ting, Adela, ting”, Jakub always says this when he leaves. Like that little old man in the fairy tale. Rings the little flowers like a bell, then disappears.
Jakub is my daddy, and Eva is his wife, my mama. I have a grandma too, but she's always complaining, just sometimes she hugs me and mama and says, “I just love you two so much, my rotten little bitches...”
But Jakub left us a few days ago.
Now Eva keeps saying, “He's shown his real colors now, the bastard. So what, let him go.”
But I think that Jakub is coming back again soon.
Grandma just sits on the couch and says, “I warned you, they're all the same. I warned you...”
Eva's too mad all the time now, and when I want something, she shouts at me not to be a nuisance. Says I should crawl up somewhere and leave her alone. I can't wait until Jakub comes for me.
He promised me he would. When he left last year, he said then too that he'd come for me, but he didn't. Instead he came back after a few days. But he said he came back only because of me. I was glad. Eva swore and threw things even more than today, I guess because it was the first time. Jakub took me for a walk and told me not to worry about it, that when the time comes he'd have to leave again, and that Eva will go on a rampage again. He also said that I should just ride it out, that it'd soon pass over and she'll calm down. I shouldn't listen to her at all.
One time Eva gave me a hard slap across the head because I wasn't wearing my slippers. Then she immediately pulled me close to her and said, “He's a beast, not a father!”
My stomach started to hurt; it always starts to hurt when something happens at home. I always wait to see what's gonna happen, and I'm so scared that I want to throw up.
“It's nothing, it'll be fine,” Eva said.
Grandma was already crying. I knew that Eva would start crying soon too. I felt sorry for us and I cried too.
“You just can't let it get to you,” said Eva, “we're not gonna carry on some theatre here because of him. He's not worth it, the snake.”
“They're all like that,” said grandma again, wiped her eyes on her handkerchief and then blew her nose into it. “And you shouldn't have blown it off back then...”
“What? And what was I supposed to do?!”
“Just something...”
“Oh you're so smart now!”
“Why are you shouting at me?! Who do you think you're talking to?!”
“Your whole life ruined...”
Grandma sat on the bed in her nightshirt and shook her head. Her sunken eyes seemed horrible to me. Sometimes they scared me so much that all I though about all day was how to avoid seeing them somewhere. I avoided them, I tried to hide as much as I could so I wouldn't run into them.
Once, when Jakub came back home late and I could smell the beer and rum on him (I liked that smell, it seemed that I could smell the world outside), he told me that grandma was an evil person. I've been afraid of her ever since. I've also been watching her, and I can see that it's true. I think that Eva is afraid of her too, because whenever they argue, she has this terrified expression and her hands shake, and for a long time after grandma starts to weep and says that she's gonna jump in front of a train, Eva feels bad all over.
I remember a story that Jakub told me once when he came back late at night and “stank to high heaven”, as grandma would say.
There used to be a kingdom far away, where a wise and good king ruled. This king had one single daughter who was named Adlinka. She hadn't had a mama for a long time; she died as soon as the princess was born. But even so, they lived happily until a two-headed dragon moved into a cave not far from the castle. The king didn't even have to make the announcement that whoever kills the dragon gets the princess and half the kingdom; the knights started coming to the castle by themselves without being invited. One after the other, they went into the forest to kill the dragon and gain the king's daughter. But the dragon was so terrible that he killed every one and ate them. There was nothing left for the king to do then to set off for the two-headed dragon himself. Adlinka didn't want to let him go at first, but when her father promised her that he'll surely come back, she let him go because she knew that he always kept his promise.
When the king came trotting up on his steed to the cave where the dragon lived, he saw a pile of human bones. But he wasn't afraid, and he shouted into the cave, “So come out, you beast!”
With a spew of fire and stench of sulfur, an enormous dragon crawled out of the cave, and its two heads lunged right for the king. The king didn't flinch at all, he nimbly jumped aside, and with one blow of his sword cut off both heads. He then returned to his beloved daughter who hugged him with joy and never wanted to let him go again. And if they haven't died, then they're still living happily ever after even now...
All of a sudden, Eva dropped a plate to the floor as she was wiping dishes after lunch. Shards flew all over the kitchen. I got goose bumps and felt that clenching inside myself again.
“I just can't do this anymore...”
She sat down at the table and cried. Grandma got up from her bed, ran to her and started stroking her hair.
“What should I do? This just can't be true... I just can't anymore... What's gonna happen?”
“Don't cry now, you can't bring anything back. I told you so even then.”
“But what could I have done? I would have turned him in right away, easy, without thinking about it! But can you imagine how it would have looked? They would have just dragged us through the courts...”
They both looked at me. I don't know what it is, but I think that they've been watching me like that for a while. They look me over, but I don't know why. When Eva looks me over like that, I know that she's gonna tell me off for something and punish me. I'm always afraid of that. But then she always buys me something nice.
“I told you that you should have given it up when you could.”
“I don't care what you told me back then, I don't know what to do now!”
“If you'd have gone there... Now you've got her on your back your whole life. Like me...”
“What do you mean, like me?! Is that what you wanted to say?!”
I have one secret that always helps me when I think about it. And I have to think about it all the time, it doesn't even let me sleep. I went to see Jakub yesterday at work. He works in a garden where they grow such beautiful flowers. The man at the gate told me that I would find Jakub in the back, near the greenhouse. That he's waiting for me there. I couldn't find him anywhere, so I went into one greenhouse. I took a deep breath of moist air. I always liked that. I liked going to Jakub's work. Eva never wanted to let me go there, but Jakub and I promised each other that we wouldn't tell her if I go visit him there. And now that he's left us, she'd really beat me a lot if she found out about it.
Somebody covered my eyes from behind.
“Who is it?”
I didn't jump at all.
“Come on, I'll show you something.”
Jakub pulled me to a table. Then he looked at me for a long time. His eyes were actually shining. In the middle of the table was a flower pot, with a flower with a long stem.
“I grew this for you...”
I looked at him.
“Only for you, little girl. It took me almost twelve years. It's named after you: Adelarie.”
My heart was beating so much, you could probably hear it throughout the whole greenhouse.
“It's also a rare flower. Like you. And you have to take care of it. Just a delicate little flower...”
He stroked my cheek. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.
When I got home, I tried to hide away all evening so that noone would see it on me. Luckily, Eva and grandma cried away the whole evening again; they both had eyes so full of tears that they couldn't notice anything anyway.
Eva sent me to bed early today, I didn't want to go at all. I tossed and turned for a long time and couldn't fall asleep. I thought about when I would see Jakub again; he promised me it would be soon.
And when I finally fell asleep, I dreamed that I was lying tied to the bed, daddy was stroking my hair, smiling, and nodding his head like he was agreeing with something. From the other side, mama was coming with a pillow in her hand. She leaned over me and put the pillow over my head. I couldn't breathe very well. After a while I could see growing like an enormous blossom.
Everywhere it smelled nice and I went, “Ding, Adelka, ding...”
NO FEARS
I couldn't fall asleep the night before. I was tossing in my bed, occasionally looking towards the aquarium and listening. Quiet. Ferda was sleeping. I cursed myself for a while because I went and promised such a thing and was thinking of how to get out of it. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Or I'll say that I changed my mind. I'm sure I'd have to hear all their shit, but it's still better than something happening to Ferda.
I stared at the ceiling for a while longer before I managed to fall asleep. But I still didn't sleep well. I had strange dreams about a giant guinea pig who suffocated me with its body. Its sharp bristles that it had instead of soft fur were poking into my skin and I couldn't get rid of them even though I kept pulling them out. New bristles kept coming, and soon I had a body just as bristly as the animal.
In the morning I woke up sleepy, broken, and with a sharp headache. I washed my face, had breakfast, and told mama that I was going out for a while. Then I took Ferda from the aquarium and closed him into a cardboard shoe box that I had prepared under the bed. Just to be sure, I made a few holes in the lid so he wouldn't suffocate. I slipped out of the apartment when mama went into the bedroom. I didn't want her to see me, she'd wonder where I'm taking him. I had never taken him anywhere, so what happened all of a sudden, she'd ask.
It was nine thirty when I started getting close to Devil's Mill along the creek. We always met with the guys there. The broken down mill at Rokytka. We called it Devil's Mill because it looked haunted. Like every ruin in the middle of the woods.
Slushy snow sloshed under my feet, and the creek looked full, the stream running fast and wild. I turned off the path towards the woods. A few minutes later I saw three figures huddled around a fire. It struck me as a bit odd. For one, there was no reason to light a fire, it wasn't as cold as it had been, and secondly it was dangerous because you could see it from a long way away through the bare trees.
“What are you doing?!”
All three of them jumped.
“Hey. So you came...” Sabina smiled at me sweetly.
“What if somebody walks by?”
“No fears... Who would come out here today?” poked Pepan Šebek.
“You're crazy,” added Ivan. “What are you whining about?”
Ivan was Pepan's younger brother. They went everywhere together.
“Might as well at least have a little fire, don't you think?” I said and pushed myself in between the brothers.
“Don't worry, there will be,” Pepan laughed grittily.
Ferda started to get restless in the box and scratched on the walls. I looked around to see where I had put the box so it wouldn't get in my way.
“Can I take a look?” Sabina asked me.
I wouldn't deny her anything, I came here because of her today anyway. I opened the box and she had to press against me to see inside.
“Aaww, he's beautiful...”
Ferda ran around the box from wall to wall.
“He looks a little nervous,” said Pepan, looking in from behind us. “Put him there in the pot.”
I did so and went back to the fire.
“What's the pot for?”
The guys shot glances at each other, but noone answered me. Instead, Pepan and Ivan grabbed me by the arms.
“What are you doing?!”
“Boys, cut it out, I don't want this anymore! Cut it out! Please...”
“You should have thought of that earlier!” Ivan shouted at Sabina.
The guys forced me to my knees and tied my hands behind my back. Up to that point I was thinking that it was just a joke, but when the rope dug into my wrists when they tightened it, I decided I'd had enough and tried to stand up. Pepan quickly forced me back down. They tied my feet and pulled me to a tree. Then they lifted me and tied my hands to a branch above my head.
“What are you gonna do?!”
“You'll see...” grimaced Pepan, grabbed the box with Ferda and shook it.
“You there?”
“You touch him and I'll kill you!”
“Aww, don't be wike dat...” Ivan puckered his mouth at me.
“I'll kill you, I swear!”
Ivan and Pepan put the pot on two big stones. The tips of the flames lapped at the bottom. Then they poured water into the pot from a plastic bottle that Pepan filled from the creek.
I started to shout for help. Ivan ran up to me and shoved his hand on my mouth. Then he stuffed a handkerchief in it and taped it up. It was all so fast and unbelievable that I didn't even have time to really fight back. After a while I started to pull at the rope that held my hands above my head. I tried to loosen my hands free, but it was pointless.
Sabina slowly moved over to me. I whimpered and stared at her.
“It's not my fault... Really it's not...”
“I thought of this when I stepped on one massive bug and he kept crawling, but only with half a body,” started Pepan, when he watched me try to get free with all my strength. “His front legs were running and pulling the rest of his squashed body behind him. I realized that I had already killed him, but he was actually still alive. That joined us. I held absolute power over him... All of a sudden I felt great, I knew I had to get that feeling again and that it's gotta be stronger this time.“
“First we broiled ants, but that wasn't really it,” continued Ivan. “Then we thought, well, Pepan thought, that we gotta find something bigger...”
“And I remembered that you have this guinea pig at home that you got for Christmas.”
I was bawling with anger.
“There's too much water in it,” said Pepan as he looked into the pot. “He'd have to swim, then he'd drown after a while. That's no good...”
My simple helplessness made me crazier than what they wanted to do to Ferda.
“Just two or three centimeters is enough. So he can touch bottom.”
Ivan poured some water out. I couldn't see anymore, red spots started to spread before my eyes. Then I fainted. When I came to, I was lying on the ground, the guys were standing over me and saying something. I didn't understand them at first, everything hurt, my eyes were burning, then I started to come to my senses. It occurred to me that none of it had been true. That nothing had happened. That nothing will happen. I felt relieved all of a sudden, even though my hands and feet were still tied and I couldn't talk because of the tape over my mouth.
“He's alright now,” I heard Pepan's voice. “Get him up and let's get on with this...”
When they tied me to the branch again, they grabbed the box and took Ferda out. Pepan lifted his shaking little body up high to get a good look at him.
“Nice eyes.”
He leaned with him over the pot, then he changed his mind at the last minute and turned the animal's head towards me.
“So stupid, so resigned...”
I stared as Ferda disappeared into the pot. I turned to look at Sabina, I couldn't believe that she could let anything like this happen. She kneeled in front of me and lightly grabbed my leg. As if she wanted to hold me. Then she started to mumble something to herself.
“Kristian...” I heard her say, then I couldn't understand anything more.
“Let's add some wood, huh?!” said Ivan. “It's hardly burning.”
The fire started to get bigger. The brothers stood above the pot and stared inside. Even Sabina lifted from my legs and slowly crept towards the pot. I didn't understand her.
Then it started. Ferda let go and his squeaking filled the air. I tried to free myself from the ropes, but they wouldn't let me go. I stretched out, got on my toes - I wanted to see him, but I couldn't see past the rim of the pot. All I could do is listen and imagine Ferda's little feet trying to climb out, even more pink in the boiling water. How he tried to keep his head above the water so as to keep the water from getting into his nose. Trying with all his might to claw his way out, running into the walls, on one side for a while, then a bit further, as if he would jump up a little sometimes, almost getting out, but no, it just doesn't work, nothing works. It seemed like his squeaking was getting stronger, filling the whole woods, my head, I heard his squeaking inside, beating my temples, I couldn't hear anything else. I was burning so much I could barely breathe. I closed my eyes. The tension inside stormed with a terrible strength I had never felt before.
All of a sudden it was quiet. I opened my eyes. The guys started to fidget.
“He couldn't take it... What a pathetic case...” Pepan took a stick and pushed it around in the pot. “Yeah, he's done for.”
I felt an endless emptiness inside.
“What about him?” Ivan pointed towards me after a while.
Pepan looked over at me. He watched me silently for a while.
“What do you think?”
The guys stiffened up. A chill went down my spine.
“It wasn't much fun with his little dead buddy...”
Something flashed in Pepan's eyes.
Sabina ran away. After a while I could hear her throwing up in the distance.
“Let him go...” Pepan said after a while.
Ivan untied me and as soon as I was free from the ropes, I lunged at Pepan and jumped on him, throwing him to the ground. I heard a dull thud. I held him down with my knees and pounded my fists into his face. It did him no good to cover his face with his hands, soon his face was flowing with blood. When Ivan pulled me off of him, he was pretty messed up. His coat was a bloody stain below the neck and his hair was all matted. Blood was everywhere. When he stood up, blood dripped from his nose to the ground. He put his head down and coughed towards me: “You motherfucker...”
“Why did you do it?!”
“You mean you really don't feel it?”
“What?”
“That feeling of absolute power over someone else's life.”
“Someone else's death is more like it...” said Ivan.
“Over everything,” added Pepan, even though blood was still dripping from his nose.
He wiped his face with the handkerchief that had been stuffing my mouth a while ago.
I walked slowly over to the pot. On the bottom was a soggy clump of fur. I felt my stomach rise and stepped back. Pepan pushed me back further, grabbed the pot and carried it away somewhere.
