3. On the front page

(In Kajetan’s flat. Standard Ikea. On a chest of drawers several framed photographs of Kajetan with celebrities. One photograph of Kajetan and Edita at the seaside. In anger, Kajetan bangs the polished table with a magazine. Enter Edita.)

Edita: Kajetan, my love, I’ve done …
Kajetan: What?
Edita: Kajetan, my love, I’ve swallowed a SIM card.
Kajetan: You’ve done what?!
Edita: It’s hard for me to talk. I mean, I’ve just swallowed a SIM card.
Kajetan: Why?
Edita: You didn’t call, you didn’t text … I wanted to get my own back.
Kajetan: Open your mouth.
Edita: (opens her mouth) Aaaahh, aaaahh …
Kajetan: Don’t say aaaahh, aaaahh … Open wider.
Edita: But I’ve already swallowed it. For ever. Do you think it’ll stay inside me?
Kajetan: (grabs hold of the magazine and bangs it down again) Are you the cause of this?
Edita: Are you … angry?
Kajetan (aside to audience) She’s not as thick as she looks. I’m so cross with her that I want to manipulate her image.
Edita: Are you angry?
Kajetan: Extremely. (He thrusts the magazine in front of her eyes.) What do you see?
Edita: The two of us next to our pool.
Kajetan: You and a tub of lard next to our pool!
Edita: OK, so you’re not really holding your tummy in. But anyway …
Kajetan: Not really? Do you mean that sperm whale’s hernia, for fuck’s sake?! And look at this, you’re smiling in their direction … Did you know this photo was being taken?
Edita: Well, a bit.
Kajetan: Oh, for Christ’s … You sold me! For the money!
Edita: Oh, come on … Sit down a moment. (Sets her face in a serious frown.) We need to talk. Sit down, and I will too because that card’s digging into me …
(Kajetan stuffs into his mouth handfuls of sesame snacks from a bowl.)
Edita: You see, I want to have something to boast about to my parents as well, so that their lives haven’t been in vain. Now that I’ve been in a magazine my parents will have the respect of their neighbours. They all read this.
Kajetan: Oh, please! How can they all read this? This bollocks?!
Edita: But they all do! And don’t look down your nose at them, you, the great artist. It’s thanks to magazines like this that people can still read. These are our spelling books now, you know.
Kajetan: (to audience) I take it all back. She’s as thick as a plank.
Edita: Who’s that you keep talking to? Are you taking those vitamins? Why were you trying my thongs on this morning? And why do you take me for a stupid cow who dyes the hairs in her nose? I’m not yesterday’s man, my love. Of course I’m grateful that you’ve helped me get my career going. I might still be just your bit of fluff, but I’m hot and I’ve been on the front page, so in a few weeks’ time they’ll be asking me to answer all those magazine questionnaires and nobody’ll be asking me any more what my background is …
Kajetan: I need some fresh air. (He exits.)
Edita: (to audience) And whoever of you lot thinks my plan is a joke … well, you’re a retarded cunt. (a moment of silence; then she roars) X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X! (a moment of silence) In Elle they tell you to yell the letter X twenty times. It’s good for firming up your décolletage. (a moment of silence) X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X! (a moment of silence. Then darkness)

4. The English lesson

(A small room in Ivan’s flat, filled mostly with CDs and dictionaries and very tidy. Enter Kajetan in his coat; he falls on Ivan in an embrace.)

Kajetan: I’m baying for blood. I’m worse than a tick. Worse than a tick!
Ivan: What’s happened? Shoes, shoes off, please.
Kajetan (slipping off his shoes): She hired the paparazzi to photograph us by the pool. Look at this.
Ivan (leafing through): You have helium for breakfast?
Kajetan: Oh God, not you as well! Everybody reads it, apparently.
Ivan: True enough. Sadly. People are more interested in this than in the hereafter.
Kajetan: But then it does address some burning questions. Such as “What is the meaning of me without my anti-perspirant?”
Ivan: Just wait until they print our story. “The fateful English lesson” .
Kajetan: Thank God you’re here for me. I always feel calmer when I’m with you. Like hugging myself. Give me a kiss … But what’s the matter?
Ivan: I need to talk to you.
Kajetan: All right, then. Talk.
Ivan: Sit down.
Kajetan: I think I’ll remain standing. I’m dieting. What’s up?
Ivan: I’ve met someone.
Kajetan: I see.
Ivan: His name’s Radek. He’s … well, he’s the one for me … He’s … in the kitchen.
Kajetan: Next door there?
Ivan: Yeah.
Kajetan: Is he hiding from me?
Ivan: No. He’s trying to fix the cooker.
Kajetan: I told you I’d have someone sent out …
Ivan: I can’t survive two months without food, you know.
Kajetan: Go ahead, call him in here.
Ivan: He won’t come.
Kajetan: Is he shy?
Ivan: He’s worried that people’ll stare at him here. You know what I mean.
Kajetan: But we’re the only ones here.
Ivan: I doubt that.
Kajetan: We are.
Ivan: You never know with you. You’ve always got someone tagging along. Radek doesn’t want any part of that world. He says that if you’re famous anyone can drink from your cup of energy …
Kajetan: He’s a bit of a smart alec, then …
Ivan: He’s a student of psychology and personality studies. I’ve got a bit of a weakness for brighter guys.
Kajetan (opening the door to the kitchen a crack): Hi. You must be Radek.
Radek’s voice: Hmm. Ivan told me about you.
Kajetan: And what about the oven?
Radek’s voice: It’s a stubborn one. I’m trying to get to its essence. In reality, inanimate objects are alive just as we are.
Kajetan: Maybe he sees himself as a blender. (He turns to Ivan.) I think you’ll die of hunger. (in a whisper) What’s his prick like?
Ivan (also in a whisper) Yours is prettier.
Kajetan: I thought so.
Ivan: I love him. He’s so clean and principled. He worked nights in a bakery so he could take me to Croatia. We’re going in December, but it’s still sweet of him.
Kajetan (in the direction of the kitchen): Does your family know?
Radek’s voice: Know what?
Kajetan: That you’re a homo.
Radek’s voice: And yours?
Kajetan (closing the door): You’re exchanging me for that kid?
Ivan: Don’t ask me a question like that, Kajetan. What do you mean, “exchanging”? You were never really mine. You show up here once a month, you get out your photos of your latest girlfriend, we sleep together, we watch a film, and that’s it apart from the odd message. The odd joking message.
Kajetan: But you know I’m not a poof. It’s not my fault. It’d be much easier for me if I was, but I’m just not one. I’m fascinated by women.
Ivan: You don’t know what you want. So you take whatever comes your way. And then when you’ve had your fill of it it rots in a heap in your garage. It’s just empty words when you say you’ll separate it all out first thing in the morning and start afresh.
Kajetan: Dat’s way it goes.
Ivan (correcting him): Dat’s dhe way it goes.
Kajetan: So who’s going to teach me English now?
Ivan: Oh, come off it! We only did English at out first meeting.
Kajetan: I’ll buy you a new cooker so you won’t have to go to the students’ canteen. See you. (He leaves. Darkness.)

5. Membranes

(The synchronized swimmers are standing in the water, preparing themselves for training to begin.)

Pavel (handing his companion a glass containing a gelatinous mass): Gentlemen, this is gelatine for use in cakes. Help yourselves. We work it into our hair and then it doesn’t fly into our faces like so many young stags. I pinched it from my mother-in-law when she was baking.
Kajetan: I’m not doing that. Apparently one girl got her hair scorched. She was on TV to show off her bald patch.
Pavel: Take no notice of such childish superstitions! It smells good.
Kajetan: Best to eat it, my friends. (to Filip) You’re looking a bit blue.
Filip: I ought to tell you something. I’ve been here since the last training session.
[…]

(David Drábek: Synchronized Swimming, in Svět a divadlo [World of Theatre] 4/2004)

Translated from the Czech by Andrew Oakland, 2006